Sleep or not to sleep...

We've moved to a new state, house and job. There's clearly a lot going on. There have a been a lot of change. This move has been wonderful. We LOVE where we are, we LOVE our church, all 5 of us are making friends. God is good, and he has blessed us richly.

And yet, things are not good. In the past month I have been having lots of panic attacks. On one occasion I called 911 to get to the ER to make sure everything was OK with my heart (David was away at a men's retreat...). I'm not sleeping well at night, I have very low energy, and quite frankly, I feel like I'm a hot mess.

Right now we don't know what's going on. Right now we have way more questions than answers. Right now we're relying fully and totally on the Lord. Right now we're taking one day at a time.

I am meeting with a sleep specialist to see if I might have sleep apnea--our family doctor seems to think this is the root cause of everything. We're praying the Lord gives the doctor wisdom. We're praying we come away with more answers than questions. We're praying the Lord shows us what's going on.

It's hard to know what's causing what. Are the move and the changes creating the anxiety? Or, do I have sleep apnea, which can cause anxiety. In any case, I'm not sleeping therefore I'm always very tired.

Yes, it's horribly frustrating. I like to be busy. I like to get things done. I'm a list maker and follower. I hate having unfinished projects, and I hate have a messy/dirty house. I hate not being about to be active with my kids like they need, and I hate having to rely on others so much.

But, God is still good. God is teaching me much. God is showing me that my husband is a strong man and is faithful to his vows to me, especially the ones that say "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse." God is showing me how to be vulnerable and ask for help from people I've only known for 6 months. God is teaching me it's OK to have unfinished projects. It's OK not to have a perfectly clean house. It's OK if the floor isn't vacuumed as much as I want it to be. And, most importantly, I'm remembering that God is here for me. I've spent many a night with my Bible open and my calming Pandora station playing. I've been spending a lot of time praying and resting in the Lord and HIS strength.

Do we know the reason or cause of all this? No, and we may not ever really know. But, what I do know is God is good and God is faithful and God loves me. I'll rest in that and trust him for the rest.

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